So the Squid, as you know, is in preschool 5 mornings a week. I can tell that she's settling in, because the incessant humming and random other noises she makes when she is out of sorts with herself have quieted. But she has been having problems listening and obeying her teachers, as well as concentrating long enough on their requests, "recess is over, please line up!" to actually do what ever it is they're asking her to do. After a few frustrating days of bad reports I put it to her straight early one morning. "Squid, listening is not an option. You have to listen and obey not only mommy and daddy, but your teachers too. I know you can do it. I want to hear a good report when I pick you up today. If I do, then we will paint this when we get home." Then I pulled out -- with a flourish -- a tiny wooden horse and paint set that I found one day on an endcap at Wal-Mart.
It so totally worked. The last thing I heard from her as she stepped out of the van towards her teacher was, "I will be a listener!" and the next thing I heard was, "I did a good job!" when I picked her up. Her teacher confirmed it. "I don't know what you said to her, but it worked."
"I'm so glad to hear that!" I said, deciding not to reveal my methods. And we went home and slopped paint all over that horse.
The next day she was the Star of the Day, which meant she brought snack (muffins and apple slices) and got to pass things out, be the line leader and bring things for show and tell. I figured she'd be excited enough about that to keep herself together, and I was right. But the next day, I figured I'd better try again with the bribery/motivation/blantant-attempt-to-extract-reasonable-behavior-from-her.
This time, I let her teacher in on the secret tactic and it worked again. So now we had 3 days of great behavior under our belts. I happened to find the above pictured box of unicorns at Walgreens and knew she would not be able to resist. She had to do a great job listening and obeying at school AND at home FOR A WHOLE WEEK to get those puppies. As I write this, it's Friday morning. So far, so good. She's dragged that box around the house, talking to herself about it, all week. "I need to listen! I don't want this to go back to the store."
So now I'm wondering a few things. 1. Am I doing the right thing? I'm getting the behavior I want. But is bribery appropriate? 2. Will a good week and a half worth of listening and obeying develop a pattern that she will continue even without a prize in sight? 3. Is offering her something for good behavior better than taking away a privilege or one of her precious unicorns for unacceptable behavior?
Cause I sort of think it's akin to having something to focus on while breathing through contractions in childbirth. I can do this... just think of the end result. And I mean the epidural, not the baby. I'm just kidding. Don't get all huffy. (But let me take this chance to say that I do believe in pain-relieving medication. Show me where I can nominate the inventor of the epidural for a nobel peace prize and I will do it.... but I digress.)
I want her though, to respect her teachers and her parents. To obey because she is supposed to... because she believes that all these people bossing her around in life have her best interests at heart. She's never really been compliant for the fun of it. Ever. So maybe that's just something that comes with time and wisdom. And until then, I should keep the craft kits, extra time on the swings, fun outings, new books, favorite snacks and lots of praise coming. Right? Ahhhhh, motherhood. The constant state of second-guessing yourself.
6 comments:
I love that she gives herself pep talks. She cracks me up!
You know I say do what works as long as it works and then try something else. We took Andrew's toys when he failed to listen and he didn't seem to care or want them back. ARGGH. Every kid has different motivators! Hang in there!
I am enjoying watching, i.e. listening, to you be a parent. You are doing a great job. I had to laugh, when you told about Syd walking around saying " we don't want this to go back to the store." Do whatever you have too. Love, Mom
I think you're doing great! All negative punishment leads to more negativity. But I woud also role play with those cute ponies and let her see what it's like trying to be the parent/teacher.
I think that it's great that you have found Syd's "money" as Dr. Phil calls it! That's always what I was trying to do as a teacher (and when my time and resources were limited, it was interesting to say the least). I think as long as you keep extending the motivation instead of making the prizes bigger (as some parents like to do), then it's all good.
Keep up the great job as a parent...I'm sure I'll be asking for tips in the near future...Gabrielle will be there soon! :)
That is a time tested positive way to parent! But, you are doing the right thing, by extending the reward. We have done star charts, and more recent money charts. Four quarters= one trip to the dollar store, that is what I call multi tasking!! Anyway, glad her behavior is improving:)
Boy do I know this feeling right now. Kyle was diagnosed with borderline ADHD about 8 months ago. He has been in counseling since then to help and it had been for the most part. We made progress at home and even some at school. But this last two months have been extremely rough again and so we are now in search of what next...We went through the bribery stage at our house too..unfortunately for us Kyle apparently doesn't do well without the bribes being continued. And the grounding quit working months ago. I wish you luck!
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