There is nothing more humbling than motherhood. I feel I can say this with absolute clarity, as it is 4:54 in the morning and Sydney is in her room screaming, "I need get you, Mommy" (translation: Come get me, Mommy!) and has been for about an hour now. Some of you will read that and cringe. You will wonder what's going on that she would be waking up in the middle of the night so often. You will think, "There must be a reason." You will wonder if I'm harming her by letting her scream. You will judge me. And that's okay, because I am right there with you.
I have wondered about her sensory issues & her anxiety. I have wondered and talked to the doctor about her adenoids. I have tucked her into bed beside me. I have climbed into bed with her. I have listened to her scream. I have wondered if I have failed her and if I will continue to fail her. I sadly remember all the people who used to say, "You will make such a great mother," and shake my head. Don't worry. I'm not spiraling into depression over here. I'm not going to lose it. You won't hear about me on the news or anything. It's just hard.
There's always more you can do. More things you can try. Hope. But at 5:03, I seem to dwell on the negative, I have to tell you. This mothering stuff is freaking hard.
It's almost too amusing how we talked about being awoken (not by kids, but by God) in the middle of the night at Bible Study yesterday. Maybe God's trying to tell me something here? If so, Lord, I would appreciate a postcard. Or an e-mail. Or a nice afternoon phone call. I know your ways are not my ways, but seriously!....
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8 comments:
hugs...i'll say a momma prayer for you today :)
I want to give you a big hug right now! Thanks for being honest though, your message definately ministered to my mommy struggles!
Too crazy that I was also awake at 5am, unwillingly and unwantingly :)
You KNOW I feel you!! Maybe we should be praying that God gives us the grace to hear him through the screaming:) Don't feel guilty, I ignored the screaming last night, when Josh came home at 2 am he checked on the boys, and there was throw up everywhere:O I should definitely get some mommy points for that one. Wishing you a good night, if I have to wake up tonight, I will take it as code to pray for Jill.lol
I know EXACTLY what you mean....from one mommy doubting herself to another. *hugs*
Hang in there, Jill. You are a good Mother. I love you. Your Mom
love you and praying for you! :}
I know. We never know if we're doing the right thing. All we can do is follow our instinct and do the best we can. Hugs to you. You are an excellent mommy.
We'll say a prayer for a good night's sleep and some peace (and quiet) for all of you. I agree, motherhood is a crazy thing. It's definitely brought me to tears of both joy and utter frustration more than any other part of my life. Sending you a hug! =)
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